BODY. FOOD. SEX!!!
You see what I’ve done there? Pulled the ol’ Alan Coren, one-two-punch by using these words to get your attention.
Although, these are the topics I’d like to cover
here… the all-caps and exclamation points just lend a certain dramatic flair.
*fun fact* For
those of you not familiar with Coren- he wrote a wildly funny novel called
Golfing for Cats. His approach was
to take a trio of best-selling topics and use them to SELL HIS BOOKS. And not surprisingly, what turned up
were Golf, Cats, and the Third Reich (the cover makes for many a
sidelong-glance on public transit: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41qXxgTJrTL._SL500_AA300_.jpg). So. Body.
Food. Sex. You are what you think about? The only thing that could make me
potentially more “searchable” would be broads, booze and bicycles…
Now...
Amenorrhea. A word I would
like to talk about, please. It
sounds like a dirty word-or at least a clinical and alienating one- and I’d
like to change that. Why? Because I have it. Because No One talks about it. And because I’m learning that many people
want to. I “have” what the Internet
and a handful of doctors call Amenorrhea- a term loosely defined as the absence of a menstrual period in a woman
of reproductive age. And I
mean loosely. Even the concept of
“having” is an obscure one because in short, I don’t
have anything at all. What I’m left with instead- is an Absence. Unlike other diseases that many are left
to grapple with, Amenorrhea is a virtually symptom-less condition. I do not have pain, or a daily reminder
of its presence. Instead there is a
lacking, a void… an abstract idea that leads to a lot more, well, abstract
ideas. So in many ways it feels
like more of a psychological burden than a physical one. I’m going on 2 years now without
bleeding. I was feeling like my
life had literally and figuratively halted- my work, career, sexuality, love
life and especially my health. And
it had not slowed or ebbed, but came to a screeching, terrifying halt.
So what do I want to
achieve with this blog? Those
who know me well will probably chuckle at the notion of my starting a health
forum. Not because it’s a wild
stretch of the imagination- haha.
Actually quite the opposite.
I can’t tell you how many dear ones have been asked to feel my pulse, my
forehead- check out a weird spot I found on my back. But something I do have now, is a really clear and concise
timeline of how I got to where I am today. It ties in my body, food, and sex. And by sharing these concepts, tests and diagnosis, my hopes are that it will spark something in someone
out there, too. Selfishly- the goal is to seek advice and get to the bottom of this. More importantly- to form a community
of people online who are willing to share their experiences and stories; to
encourage a dialogue that gets to the heart of the matter. Since beginning to talk of this openly-
I have been blown away by THE STAGGERING NUMBER OF MEN AND WOMEN THAT HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY. All caps. Not only have people approached me with
their experiences, but also to enquire and solicit my opinion on those experiences.
I've been asked when this ‘online group’ is starting. And believe me I have done the google
searches…at the very best what it yielded was scads of women with this
condition- that are trying to conceive. I- am not. I just want to be healthy. I want to feel like a woman again. And certainly don’t think you need to be dealing with
Amenorrhea to feel that way.
For my male readers (as I hope there are many): My intent is
NOT for this to be a place reserved solely for “period talk”. It isn’t going to rail against the male
gaze in frustration that you “just don’t understand”. My experience is that men have a whole lot to say about
their bodies, their relationship with food, and how that relates to their
psychological well-being. This seems eye-rollingly obvious I know, but is often times overlooked and in
fact- ignored. I want ALL of these
perspectives.
What fascinates me the most is this: That the body and the mind are often
approached as separate entities in western medicine. I know for certain mine are intrinsically tied- and over the
next while I’ll try to tell you why.
If you agree, I hope that you’ll feel safe to do so, too.
Josephine
Thanks for sharing! Really looking forward to see where the discussion takes us!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Me too. I'm so happy to have you on board!
DeleteI am so happy to have read this because it is relevant, Amenorrhea or not.
ReplyDeleteDaily, or rather several times a day I question myself on what it means to be a woman, and most times I end up convinced that I simply don't make the cut, which is silly because the facts are: I am approaching my thirties, I am independent - have been for years - and when there's a party I wear high heels and lipstick and a push-up bra. I just seem to have lost my confidence. And it's not something that has just recently popped up in my mind, this awful insecurity.
I had the same awful self-doubting thoughts as a teenager. I was too pale, my face and teeth were too long, my hips were too big ( I would love to go back to the size they were back then).
You see the doubt grew before the breasts and pimples did. And I know I'm not the only one to have felt this way, and I know it has nothing to do with how clever, "successful" ( what does that word mean), or "attractive"( again what does it mean) you are. I starts in the mind. It starts by hearing your mother complain that she's fat day after day until she actually becomes rounder. It's so powerful. It is silly to disconnect mind and body but most people, including myself, can only find time to be obsessed with one at a time, in phases.
There's the magazines and the porn sites to blame, but I'm not even sure that these things are at the core of it. I had no idea about the existence of porn sites as a child. I just wanted to be pretty. The prettiest. And I wanted my my dad to notice how pretty I was every two weekend when he would pick me up and I wanted my mom to teach me how to apply color on my lips without getting all my top teeth stained. And now I want them to tell me how to go on confidently into the world.
But I think sometimes you must struggle to answer your own questions, because other people's answers are tinted with their own doubts and misplaced bitterness.
Love from Mely to Josephine xo
Dear Mely,
DeleteBANG ON. This cuts to the core of what I'm trying to ask- where Does it all start? We know all it takes is a seed of a thought to grow into an idea, an idea into a goal, and then even possibly a reality. So what happens if that seed doesn't grow into an idea, but instead a compulsion... and in turn becomes physically manifested? When do we learn what is 'normal'??
We can blame magazines and porn sites, sure... they give us a pretty detailed blueprint in how to feel shitty about ourselves. But we put those up, and we seek them out. And as you say, even as a child you had a stigma in place before you even knew they existed.
Thank you So much for sharing. Let's tear down 'em billboards and start building something a whole lot better!
Hot damn you are beautiful. xo
Excellent, excellent! This is the start of something big!
ReplyDeleteThank you Friend!!
DeleteJo, you have got me thinking!...What an amazing start to what I'm sure will be an amazing journey for you personally and professionally...I'm glad I will be along for the ride! Thank you for opening up such a candid conversation on a topic that, I agree, both women and men have a lot to say about. Can't wait for the next post!
ReplyDelete