Crank the Bowie, y’all. And Happy June!
A small update for my reptile-minded readers: I found the
turtle a home! (to read about my imposed lesson in slow-ness, visit my previous
entry here ) Craigslist never fails to disappoint. A very nice woman and her three children
came over one afternoon, and took my little turtle-laden Tupperware bowl
away. She emailed me later to say
he was “running around the yard” (a humorous visual) and that the kids were
enjoying their new pet. I feel that my
karma was complete for the month of May.
So a byproduct of my lesson in patience, has been another I
feel can’t go unmentioned… Change.
This also could be due to the fact that my home has undergone massive
renovations over the past 5 weeks (yes. five.) during which time; walls were
literally getting torn down all around us. You can’t get much more literal than that… ripping down the
old, built up-stuff to reveal the skeletal foundation of what makes up a
structure. Call it metaphors of a
bathroom. But when exercising
patience to obtain the things we want, one ultimately has to be prepared to
accept the undeniable, unavoidable change that comes along with it. Duh? Maybe. But it
still comes as a surprise when I reach a goal, and my life takes an entirely
new turn that makes me feel—well— just a little bit uncomfortable and more
often than not… completely shaken.
This can come in many forms. When I ended my five-year relationship, it was in the
pursuit of being true to myself and maintaining “happiness”. Going through that process was
particularly difficult because it meant choosing nothing—over something. Choosing the tangible, touchable, safe
and comfortable present, over the unknown. Was I happy in that relationship? Sure. We
had amazing times that I’ll always look fondly on, and a large part of who I am
today— I owe to our time together.
But there was something amiss; and though I had (and continue to have) no
idea what the future holds for me… I concluded that taking a chance on the
unknown would bring me closer to the person I wanted to be, than my lifestyle
at the time. That is a truly scary
place. Truly. And anyone that chooses to fight that
good fight… I give a resounding kudos and tight, true hug. It means an incredible amount of
intuition and patience, in addition to an acceptance that things are going to
live in a place of uncertainty for quite some time.
Some say that our bodies change every 7 years. It’s a fun idea to entertain, but isn’t
exactly science— medical practitioners scoff at the concept, presenting evidence
that cells regenerate at a variety of different speeds. Part of me wants to believe it simply
because it’s such a romantic notion… reinventing ourselves every seven
years. It kind of gives credence
to the shit we go through in our 20’s, no? I really like this website which breaks down
each seven-year cycle into a tangible “type”. Of course this isn’t true across
the board, but I certainly was doing a whole bunch of head-nodding while reading
it… and think it’s particularly cool because it presents such an inclusive look
at the whole picture. It
recognizes an emotional, physical and mental reinvention, which of course
includes the physical body. From a
physical standpoint we go through massive adjustments over the years; through
puberty and adolescence, into the adjustment phase of the early 20’s (combined
with too many pilsners and Mr. Noodle- just me?) and from a more personal
standpoint— into a time of leading a very body-conscious life. Which is why I
get particularly frustrated when doctors “treat” me as though I should fit into
a nice little box, or a dot found on a flow chart. So if our physical makeup is—on whatever level you find
believable and acceptable—reinventing itself every seven years, do our
personalities change, too? Are you the same person now that you
were fifteen years ago?
The interesting thing about change is that we rarely evolve
in step with one another. Friendships
fall away. Relationships fizzle
out. In order to make things work,
there must have to be an incredible amount of listening, communication, and
fortitude. Not to mention a
healthy dose of luck! And whether you buy into the seven-year-theory
or not; I like it as a jumping-off point for realizing our own instability. Our evolution. But why change is often given such a
sneer negativity, I’ll never know…. “Oh, you’ve chaaanged”. Damn right I should! Change means you’re interacting with
your world, instead of existing within a preferred bubble and norm within it. Though sometimes, we just evolve in the opposite direction as the people in our lives.
But what
gets left behind?
The older I get, the more aware I become of what is “needed”. There comes a time for a paring down;
and an investigation into my physical, emotional and spiritual foundation. What makes me up? What are my values? What do I need and what can I do
without? Similarly, I think it’s
important to occasionally cleanse the body. I’ve typically stuck to mainly raw food diets accompanied
with detox pills; and am always thrilled with the results. My energy level is higher. I’m more focused and productive. And I can feel my sense of taste become
acutely heightened, again learning to enjoy the taste of raw food without
adding a bunch of unnecessary ingredients and additives. By bringing my tastes back to square
one, I have the clarity to see what I’d truly like to reintegrate as a
necessary and fulfilling part of my diet— and lifestyle. Cleansing the palate, like cleansing
the soul… feels real good on from time to time.
But it’s not as though this evolution happens over
night. And I think the trick to
all this lies in realizing the goal isn’t change itself, but the process of
going through it. As many yoga
classes and one particular dear one have taught me…the posture never ends. In terms of yoga, this means practicing with fluidity— by
linking the poses together with the breath in a continuous movement. In yoga, as in life, you can’t see the
postures as a series of steps you jump to, with no focus on the time spent journeying in-between. It’s impossible
to get to the other side of the shaky bits if you don’t pass through them, but
one can take comfort in the fact that even within
that uncomfortably… there is always a gentle movement forward, onto the next
posture. “I was just feeling a
really strong emotional awareness of friendship, and time that has passed. Thinking, we don’t realize it but this
is an amazing time.”
I’d like to wrap up by sharing another piece of wisdom from a
friend I can always count on to enlighten, and lighten, my life. Under the circumstances we were speaking
about a recent audition, and that though my first run-through felt ok; after
been given direction I felt much stronger about my performance. The metaphor given was the Cooper Run. I didn’t immediately remember it either—
and kind of shuddered at the prospect of revisiting high-school gym class. Remember the 12-minute run at the
beginning, and then at the end of every school year? It’s a physical fitness test, the point being to run as far
as possible within those calf-searing 12 minutes… and then be retested at the
end of the year to measure your (hopeful) improvement.
This related to my audition because I was getting pretty
wrapped up in the fact that I wanted to “start” from that strong place. A controlled place. But I was comforted by the idea that
there’s also something to be said in terms of recognizing improvement, and the
capacity to receive guidance to initiate change.
So in terms of
my audition, the position, and just livin’ life in general; maybe the road travelled it
isn’t a test of endurance, as it may seem. But instead a measure in how far we’ve come.
And patience, little turtle. Change is afoot.
